In The Absence of Logic
by lostjuniper
Summary: Dreams are a haven for Josh away from the world and its pressures, but what happens when even Josh's dreams reveal something about himself he never would've believed..
1. Chapter 1

Sun spilt into parts of the window above Josh's bed, hitting some of the drool stains on his pillow and grazing his shoulders, neck and mouth. Josh turned slightly to the right grasping his pillow loosely with his left arm, while his mouth stayed partially open, producing loud snoring sounds. The soft heat subconsciously calmed him down as he dreamt of the same thing he'd been dreaming of for months.

~In the dream: Drake was in an empty green field, kneeling down towards a flower. And when he touched the flower's bright yellow petals Josh appeared beside him standing, his dark hair somehow darker. They'd stare into each other's eyes as if they were waiting for something. Josh's hands would reach out for Drake's and as Drake would close the space between them, clenching tightly onto Josh's hands, Josh would lean in, pressing the top of his forehead to Drake's shoulder. One, he never knew which one, would say

"Stay with me…"

And the other would reply

"I'm not going anywhere…"

Drake would then let go of one of Josh's hands and barely run his fingers through Josh's hair, before Josh would look up, his lips so close to Drake's he could feel Drake's hesitant breathing against his mouth~

Josh sucked in air, opening his eyes, suddenly wide awake. He sat up quickly, shaking the dream away with every breath he heavily inhaled and exhaled. Drake's bed creaked as Drake moved towards Josh without fully getting out of his own bed, and lifted his head up. His eyes squinted open as he yawned and said

"Josh…If you're gunna have a panic attack every time it's a Tuesday, it'd be great if you could wait till Tuesday has officially started…which isn't for another 5 hours"

"Ha Ha Very funny Drake...I'm NOT having a panic attack and it's not Tuesday, it's Saturday…The day you said you were going to go out with that one girl Becca…remember??"

Drake nodded in recognition, laying his head down.

"Oh yeah, Thanks for reminding me"

"No Problem" Josh sighed, feeling a sudden surge of sadness rush into the pit of his stomach as if it were being force fed down his throat.

"I…can't take this anymore" he whispered, looking over towards Drake with a confused expression.

Quickly rushing out of bed, Josh found a deep blue long sleeved shirt lying haphazardly over the dresser near him. He couldn't remember why he left it there, maybe from spending too much time around Drake's messiness. Tugging it over his head Josh walked out of their room, closing the door gently behind him, attempting to think of anything other than his dream.


	2. Chapter 2

**In the absence of logic, continued…Chapter 2**

Josh headed to the bathroom, going over various scientific &mathematical equations in his mind to keep his thoughts away from what he didn't want to remember.

When he reached it he opened the door and went inside, closed the door behind himself, locked it and sat on the toilet seat, with his boxers still on.

Josh put his head down between his open hands and sighed. He pushed more equations into his brain but couldn't help but think of the dream.

The quiet that surrounded him, fueling this momentary lapse of judgment.

A sudden feeling came over him then, as his thoughts slowed to one image.

This image was what he saw just before he woke up.

For a millisecond without considering what he was thinking

he thought,

~why do i always wake up from good dreams~

He laughed for a moment and then stopped abruptly, moving his hands through his hair,

which made him think of how Drake's hands would feel if they were to do the same.

~Stop it!

This is wrong, i can't...I won't think of him that way~

Josh thought, pushing the feeling that had come over him before down once more.

He didn't fully recognize what the feeling had been until his hands had moved from his head to his unexposed chest and then lower, and lower

but before they could reach the destination they'd been heading

Josh pulled his hands down away from each other, on opposite sides of himself.

Pressing his fingers hard against the cold porcelain toilet he was sitting on.

~Have you lost your freaking mind? stop it!

don't even think about it~

he thought, mumbling

"e=mc²"

over and over.

Someone knocked on the door then.

"Hey who's in there?

I have to use the bathroom."

Josh didn't pay attention, only repeated the equation in his mind.

"HELLO? who's in there, i have to use it."

someone said, slight irritation in their voice.

Josh ignored the voice again and mumbled the equation a loud once more.

"Hey!

I'm going to break the freaking door down if you don't answer me,

i gotta use it!"

Josh finally recognized the voice as Drake's and immediately got up.

He walked towards the door, unlocked it and pushed past a now angry Drake

saying nonchalantly

"It's all yours"

as he walked back into their room and closed the door behind himself,

banging his head lightly against the closed hard surface of the door.

Drake opened the door on the outside, hitting Josh's head as he came inside.

Josh slowed his thoughts to the equation and said calmly

"I thought you had to _use it._"

Drake scowled

"Well I can't use it now!

I'm too mad."

Josh smirked

"What are you mad for?

Just go to the bathroom, if you have to go."

Drake ignored him and said

"Why didn't you answer me when I asked you if anyone was in there?

You were in there for so long, I know you heard me!"

Josh sighed rubbing his hands over his eyes.

"I'm not gonna argue with you Drake,

just use the bathroom

or _don't use the bathroom_

and leave me alone."

Josh said walking to his bed and sitting down.

Drake went over to him angrier then before

"What's your problem Josh?

You're acting weirder then usual ."

Josh exhaled mumbling the equation under his breath again, not paying attention to Drake.

"Hey! I'm talking to you

Why do you keep ignoring me?"

Drake said shoving Josh's shoulder.

Josh felt slight pain near his shoulder but ignored it and thought of the equation, attempting to drown out Drake's voice.

"What the heck is wrong with you Josh?

Listen to me!"

Drake said shoving Josh's shoulder harder.

Josh stood up then forgetting the equation, inches away from Drake's tensed body.

He closed his eyes, ignoring the words Drake was saying

But focused on the way Drake's voice sounded when angry and how fast his breathing became as his anger grew.

Drake shoved him again, harder than before.

"Josh!

Have you lost it or something?

What's your problem?"

Josh opened his eyes and stared at Drake then.

He focused on the grimace Drake's face now held and walked closer to him.

Drake stepped back slightly confused and still yelled various things Josh wasn't paying attention to, it was as if Drake were on mute.

Josh stepped forward again, as Drake stepped back

and this continued for awhile until Drake reached the closed bedroom door.

The back of his feet hitting the lower portion of it.

Josh stepped forward enclosing the space between them and looked at Drake,

Thinking

~I think I've officially lost my mind~

as Drake said

"Josh!

You're freaking insane, whats the matter with you? Get out of the way!"

Josh leaned forward slightly nearing his mouth to Drake's

as the back of Drake's head bumped against the door

and just as Josh could feel Drake's heavy breathing against his lips,

the door burst open, pushing Drake and Josh quickly to the ground.

"What's with all the racket?

I could hear you guys yelling from down stairs!"

Drake's mom said, irritation in her voice as she eyed them on the floor.

They were entangled by the fall but quickly moved away from each other

and Josh said

"It's fine…Everything's fine.

We were just…messing around,

Right Drake?"

Drake gazed at Josh with a look Josh couldn't place, then stood up and said to his mom

"Yeah Mom,

We were just messin around."

Drake's mom scowled and looked at the both of them.

"Next time, keep it down boys."

She said rolling her eyes, and exited their room.

As soon as the door closed, silence followed suit.

But soon Josh looked at Drake

and Drake looked at Josh and said

"Josh what,

_was_ that?"

Josh looked towards the floor, fumbling with his fingers and said

"I don't know."

Drake's eyebrows furrowed in confusion

"What do you mean you don't know?"

he said, his voice raised and then remembering his mother

said it once more quietly.

Josh looked up into Drake's eyes finally

And replied

"_I mean_….I don't know."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: Thank you soooo much for the feedback, I really appreciate it and am glad that you guys like it **** Sorry by the way about the lack of updating, I planned on updating way more then I've actually done so I'll be working on that X) &sorry about the formatting before, I hope it's better for this one ^_^**

**Chapter 3: **

Drake paced around the corner of the room near Josh's bed making sure to stay a good distance away from Josh. He was afraid of what Josh might do since what had happened, happened. But he didn't even know himself what had happened and tried to play it over again in his head. Josh on the other hand was still sitting on the floor, a little ways away from where they had fallen.

Drake stopped pacing for a moment and opened his mouth looking at Josh but when Josh raised his eyes to Drake's, Drake continued pacing again, looking at anything and everything in their room but Josh. Drake's face contorted into something that could only be described as utter confusion as he opened his mouth and said

"You don't know."

Josh nodded but realizing Drake was avoiding his gaze said aloud

"Yeah."

His voice cracked and he didn't want to think about why, maybe because he knew why he'd done, what he'd done. Maybe because no matter how hard he tried to not think about it, the answer was hovering above every rational thought in his mind. Maybe because if he admitted it out loud, it would make things much more real than they could ever be in his dreams. Maybe because he was afraid. Either way Josh remained silent.

Drake repeated what had happened in his head over and over again trying to figure out what he was missing. He remembered Josh's vacant look, yelling at him, Josh standing up all of a sudden and practically scaring the crap out of him with this bizarre look in his eyes.

He remembered Josh coming closer to him and then…..he fell. They fell together.

He stopped pacing.

No, there had to be something else before that, something he'd forgotten. He ran through what happened in his head once more: vacant look, yelling, scary look, Josh standing up, Josh coming closer.

Drake's eyes widened as everything in his head seemed to click together at once and then he blinked and his thought process was scrambled again. Drake remembered Josh had been so close, it was closer then he'd ever been to Drake excluding the many times they goofed around with each other. Drake had said something he couldn't quite remember, something that questioned Josh's sanity but everything was a blur.

Drake didn't understand why it was so hard to figure out what had happened, it was as if something in his mind had blocked out most of it already. He ran through it in his head again.

Vacant look, yelling, scary look, Josh standing up, Josh coming closer, falling.

No, something before falling…

He remembered Josh's eyes.

They were filled with something he couldn't place at the time, something animalistic, something he now felt growing inside of him as he remembered just how _far_ apart they had been from each other.

What had Josh planned on doing…he had been so close, Drake had felt his anger fade away the closer Josh had come towards him.

His thoughts returned to the beginning once more afraid to go any further. He wanted to forget everything now. He wanted the confusion and the fear that now enveloped him to go away. He wanted to feel normal again.

Drake looked over at Josh then, watching him run his hands through his dark hair as his head faced the ground, staring at the floor or his knees, Drake couldn't tell.

Drake's thoughts slowed.

He remembered falling…their bodies had been so close together. So close he could feel Josh's enclosed chest rise and fall against his own.

It had felt good,

He shouldn't have felt anything.

But the warmth had become too much to ignore.

He remembered how quiet everything had gotten, how quiet he had been, he'd never remembered feeling so….Drake's thoughts spiraled, became sporadic again as he avoided remembering the feeling.

But someone had moved.

_He_ had moved.

His mother had come in and interrupted…no, she was worried about them, she'd heard the yelling.

She hadn't interrupted.

There had been _nothing_ to _interrupt_ Drake thought, suddenly angry.

Josh had been so close before they fell, as if he had wanted to do something.

Wanted to do something to Drake, but what?

Maybe he had been trying to hit Drake,

but his hands weren't where they should've been if Josh was going to hurt him.

They would've been up in the air or _somethin_g; they wouldn't have been at Josh's sides.

Drake had remembered time slowing down as Josh moved closer, but something had happened.

Something he couldn't seem to remember because he wanted so strongly to forget.

And for a moment Drake stopped breathing.

He tried to force the thought that now echoed in his mind down but it just kept coming back up again.

Drake had remembered how close Josh had come…and he had wanted Josh to come closer.

He had wanted Josh to k…

~No freakin way. No. No. nonononononono~

Drake thought suddenly forcing the word he didn't want to even say in his mind, as far away from his thoughts as possible.

That wouldn't make any sense, that would be wrong, that would mean that…No, he was just out of it today. He was tired and that was all.

He'd slept most of last night and this morning… but that didn't mean he still couldn't be tired.

He should sleep _now_ or do something to keep his mind off of..No he should just leave, clear his head, go somewhere away from Josh and that feeling he couldn't stop pulsating inside of him.

He could practically taste the feeling as it spread through his body.

Drake bit his lip and stared at Josh, still sitting on the floor.

He wanted…There was so much he wanted.

He didn't understand where it had come from, or if it had just been there before..dormant.

The want deep inside him distracted him for a moment but he quickly dismissed it and shook his head.

~This doesn't make any sense~

Drake thought dragging his fingers through his hair, he had to leave.

He had to leave now.

Drake walked over to their bedroom door, his hands barely on the door knob before Josh said quietly

"You going to see Becca?"

Drake had forgotten about their date already.

How could he have forgotten.

She was hot, She was funny…She was…hot.

Drake could taste the lie on his mouth before he replied,

"Yeah…See you later."

Drake opened the door and walked outside of their room before Josh could respond.

He had no idea where he was really going, but he was surely getting the hell out of this house.

Josh watched Drake leave hurriedly and wanted to say something else, maybe ask him to stay.

But that would be weird, after everything.

His logic was where it should've been earlier and he said nothing,

And once the door was closed Josh got up, walked over to his bed and fell onto it, burying his face into the comfort of his covers and his pillow.


End file.
